If you’re going to defend the Oppressed, you’ve got to be part of them, right? You’ve got to really feel it. First thing you have to do is dig down into your roots. FIND that half-black great-uncle, the quarter-Iroquois great-great-grandmother. Even if you’re white as bleached linen you should be able to hit something. Nurture it. Cultivate your roots. It doesn’t matter if you have a seven-bedroom house, six cars and a yacht, you’ll still count as The Oppressed.
This is essential, because if you ever (heaven forbid) encounter any resistance to your virtuous and enlightened efforts to help The Oppressed, you always have the fallback that the resistance is racist. Trust me, there will be no more opposition after that. And people will love you more.
‘If you’re so concerned about the environment, why do you have six cars?’
‘OMG how DARE YOU when BLACK PEOPLE ARE BEING SHOT IN THE STREETS!’
If you draw a complete blank on the above (or can’t be bothered to do the research) adopt a religion instead. Hopefully one that’s practiced a lot by non-white people. Your neighbours probably won’t know the rules and will be terrified of offending you. If you don’t know the rules yourself, just hint, darkly.
Always have at least one allergy on the go. Again, same deal. People will love you more (because you need taking care of), and geez how can you sympathize properly with other sufferers unless you’ve had the same thing yourself and learned everything about it (only takes a minute on Google)? You’ll have personally discovered the best coping strategies, the worst aspects of the suffering, the repercussions, and the exhilarating light at the end of the tunnel when it finally clears up.
Do you have children? Why not double the returns? If your child has an allergy you suffer twice as much!
CAUTION: Watch out for people who never change their allergies or symptoms. They have terrible tempers and should be avoided. They might start saying things like You can’t cure Coeliac disease, it’s not something that ‘simmers down’ after a year or so… etc. You do not want these wasters cramping your style.
Be informed on all current affairs. And when I say ‘all’, I mean ALL. You need to have an opinion on everything that floats to the surface of public opinion.
This is a HUGE job. It barely leaves time for buying your organic veg or recycling your organic veg in the $600 composter in your $1 million backyard when the said veg start to go wrinkly in the bottom of the crisper drawer. But help is at hand.
Heard a catchy phrase on the subject? If YOU thought it sounded good, chances are others will. Remember the phrase. Just one per major topic is required. If you trawl the net you’ll get a whole digest of these on some of the major (and not-so-major) news channels. Use them.
DISCARD THE USELESS!
If you look into it there are vast numbers of suckers of all colours battling each other, starving and dying of all sorts of things. I know. I was like ‘woah’ as well. But it’s fine, no-one knows about most of them and they don’t count. Skip, and go with the flow. Popularity WILL follow.
With these ESSENTIAL steps, you too can be loved and followed by everyone. Just make sure to follow anyone who’s more popular than you. Be well!